Give Me Dignity or Give Me Death
Patrick Henry called the controlling forces of the English Government , The Intolerable Acts. He then went on to give his famous history changing speech, “Give Me Liberty or Give Me Death” . If you are lucky enough to have a parent whose mental capacities are functioning fully, you must be extremely diligent about guarding your parents dignity at all times. Your intelligent parent has an unwritten declaration of independence that must be followed as much as possible.
The Fifth Commandment of the Ten Commandments commands us to Honor Our Father & Our Mother. How can we keep faithful to these two important historical documents, both the Fifth Commandment and Your parent’s declaration of independence, when physically your parent has the body of a ninety year old and the mind of a forty year old?
Who’s the Boss?
We are writing here specifically about seniors who are entirely in control of their mental faculties.
It is surprising how the minds of some fortunate seniors are so sharp: They take their medicine on-the-dot each day, they remember phone numbers, they are still voracious readers ( of course we talk here about the ones whose eyes are fully functionary) and some continue to run businesses from their home.
There are multiple stages of increased dependence on others by seniors. Sometimes these stages are gradual and sometimes shockingly sudden. Here are some of the stages that the author, Vivian McNeil went through with her parent.
- Increased problems with walking and balance.
- Decreased appetite
- Driving safely
- General home safety issues
Increased walking and balance concerns
It begins with sudden unexpected falls. The first trip to the emergency room is merely an introduction to this phenomena of having a completely mobile parent to one that is injured either on their head or side of the body from the fall. It takes months for both the senior, his children as well as his spouse to understand that there is a serious issue emerging. Often the senior themselves is in denial and there is very little that his loved ones can do. They are the boss and in charge of their own destiny and future. Even small innocent suggestions of a cane can backfire. This author’s experience is that the senior will come to his own realization that he needs to use a cane. Otherwise, you will have a very irate parent who will become short tempered and unhappy. Hopefully, when the time comes, the cane is all he will need. There are several types of canes and the internet is an excellent source to see the assortments (we liked the HurryCane® but there are other brands and models). Its trial and error until a comfortable and appropriate cane will be found.
The next transition is to the walker. This is quite startling because a cane can be inconspicuous, but a walker is out in front of the person for all to see. It can be quite embarrassing for the person to go out in public with the walker. A good way to make the transition is to start with a baby carriage and a shopping cart. Taking a grandchild for a walk in his stroller is a pleasurable way to deal with the walking issue. The shopping cart in the supermarket is also a wonderful opportunity for the senior to feel just like everyone else. Eventually, of course, he will have to face the reality of the walker and he will, just give them time and space. Remember, they are the boss.
Seniors falling down stairs
What about stairs? An electric stairlift attachment is not as easy as it first appears. Here are some pointers and questions to ask before installation of an electric stairlift. If the person is alone, will he be capable of using it? The electric stairlift that we purchased had a collapsible seat. This is especially appealing because it closes when not in use. Bear in mind though, that the person who must use it must be able to stand by himself to open the chair. If the person has a balance problem this is a concern. Remember, the ultimate and important goal is to save your senior’s independence. The next aspect of the electric stairlift is when it ascends to the top of the staircase. The stairlift the author’s parent purchased did not turn completely around at the top. When he gets off the stairlift if there is no one around to help him he must be very careful to hold on because he is still on the stairs. The last part of the track is on the last step and not the landing itself. This is because some upstairs hallways are too narrow to have to seat turn around to land on the landing itself. Before having a stairlift installed make sure that the family understands how it works in regard to both ascending and descending. Always keep in mind to find out the return policy prior to purchase in case you are not 100% satisfied.
Seniors appetite loss
It is challenging to know if a decrease in appetite is due to a physical issue or an emotional matter. Going through tests such as endoscopy or cat scans are physically taxing on the elderly. The person may stubbornly refuse to eat if coerced by a child or spouse. We found the most advantageous way of increasing the appetite is going out to eat or eating as a group where the senior is not the center of attention. You, as an onlooker may feel very frustrated about his stubbornness but, stubbornness equals independence. Self-reliance is the key to keeping them vibrant and sharp. Always take a step back when you want to take a step forward and you will see that your parent will respond more positively. Doctors generally recommend smaller meals more often to deal with this issue.
Seniors driving safely
In some instances, the senior does not have a problem with the driving itself but getting in and out of the car. Of course a handicapped permit is a big help for the parking ( which must be obtained from the Dept of Motor Vehicles along with a doctors approval). How will your parent collapse the walker, put it in and take it out of the car trunk if he needs it continuously? Discontinuing of driving is something the parent will ultimately realize by himself. Years of begging and conjoling by his doctor, his wife and his children did zero to encourage our parent to give up his car. Thankfully, one day several months ago he announced that his car was due for insurance renewal and he did not want to spend all that money on the insurance premiums. Presto – he gave up the car, but kept his dignity. Another manner in which another elderly member of the family stopped driving was when she was pulled over for a ticket and the police officer informed her that her license was expired. She recounted this to her son who astutely informed her that she would have to take another driving test to validate her license. This person also gave up her car on her own volition saving her dignity as well.
The Next step is who will be the chauffeur. If he is fortunate to have children to alternate that is great, however, if he is self sufficient he may want to use Uber at certain times. This is fine.
A person who has not yet had the good fortune to be able to respectfully take care of an elderly parent will ask, “Why keep a house where a staircase to the bedroom is present? Why doesn’t he move to a one floor condo or adult living center? “ The ideal time to sell the house and move to a condo or apartment would be when the person is in their seventies. He is young enough to appreciate the ease of an apartment or condo and excited about selling his house for a juicy profit. When a person who is in his eighties or nineties moves to either his children, an apartment , condo or assisted living unit, may become disoriented especially in middle of the night. The very safety that is being craved by his caregivers will be compromised by falls, clumsiness and confusion about the surroundings.
Medical Alert Device
It’s worthwhile to tell you two opposing experiences with the medical alert pendant that we had with a parent. In the last year of her life my husband’s mother was going on her usual one month vacation to Miami. She stayed at a rental apartment by herself. The family decided to equip her with a medical alert device on her neck. My husband flew with her to Miami and stayed with her for a day to acclimate her to the device. Do you know that she did not put it on or use it even once? My father on the other hand has no problem wearing it all day. (its unobtrusive and unnoticeable ). Each person has different reactions to different available tools. My mother in law had no problem using a wheelchair but refused to use the medical alert pendant. My father has no problem with the medical alert device but refuses to use a wheelchair. It’s all about their personal view of what is dignified to themselves.
Scheduling visiting for seniors
If your senior is a sociable person the best solution to a long day is company. Of course, this is common sense. It is surprising how few visitors even visit the most well known and popular senior. Phone calls are nice but they do not replace a face to face visit. It is difficult and unpleasant to ask friends and neighbors to visit your parent. One approach is when someone asks how your parent is doing and you mention that he would love company. When asked when would it be convenient answer anytime. Even if the visitor comes at an inconvenient time or when your parent is resting or napping, he will appreciate hearing that someone made the effort to come and was thinking of him.
It may seem dangerous to let your senior make choices on their own but a smart person will make their parent think that he is the ultimate decision maker and will make the very judgment you hoped for. Ask but do not insist. By asking them first, you are giving them an option, and you may be pleasantly surprised that his decision will be the one you wanted him to make. As long as your parent is fully cognizant and reasonable, you both will get along better and live more fulfilling meaningful lives together if you avoid any “ intolerable acts”.
